So many times we hear that life is fragile, we don’t really feel it till we lose someone close to us. I realised I wasn’t so good at holding my emotions last night when I cried two days in a row, on several occasions. The optimistic Kim says 94 years old is a good age to pass on, it should call for a celebration. In fact, my sister texted me over the phone and said that she looked really serene at the wake. The atmosphere at the funeral? As if it was a reunion of family and friends. Calm and joyous because she lived a good age. She passed away in her sleep, experienced no pain and had led a good life. I should be relieved. Instead, I was crying for the loss because I imagined she would live forever. It’s a crazy thought but I thought Amah’s always there. She is always the first to pick up my phone calls from near and afar. Everytime I went back to Ipoh, she’s always there.

I received the news in the afternoon about two hours before going to work. Sis called me in the most calm manner breaking the bad news to me. I was calm about it. In fact, I was replying to an e-mail for an audition for Tourism WA, a crazy one I thought I could enter but cannot because I am based in Melbourne and cannot go back to Malaysia for the audition. Suddenly within minutes, it just hit me that I had lost my Amah. Tears started to roll down my cheeks.

I still went to work. Josiah said not to speak to my colleagues about my grandma’s passing otherwise I’d have an outburst. Apparently I looked serious at first at my workplace, still looking professional, then the pizza-maker asked me why I was so serious because we’re constantly joking and laughing. I broke the bad news, and they comforted me. I didn’t make a big deal about it and was laughing and joking the entire night not shedding a tear. Before I went to bed, I broke out again.

The following morning, I challenged myself for a 9.30am hot yoga down the road with Rani. At the final ending pose where we were to lie on our backs, look into the ceiling and just focus on thinking nothing, I found myself thinking of amah again and broke out in tears amidst the hot flushes and sweat from hot yoga. When I walked out of the hot room, I was fine again. I packed my day and filled it with activities and avoided being at home to feel sad. Went to the city, met a few people, did this and that, went to work and at the end of the day when I lay on my bed - broke out again feeling helpless.

I cried so much I have no tears left today and I am sure Amah really left us peacefully. I saw Susan Boyle on Oprah today and she was just relating how she had lost her mother last year before joining Britain’s Got Talent and suddenly went on to sell millions of records and made success in her professional career of singing. She felt as if her mother was guiding her all the way from heaven.

Here, I’m believing that Amah and Grandpa-In-Law will guide Josiah and myself for a great year ahead.

Thank you all for the sweet messages. I am fine and I’ve shed my last tear on my Amah.

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Today is a solemn day. Mixed emotions for me, either to mourn the loss of the passing of my 94-year old grandmother in Ipoh (Doris Ong), or rather to celebrate the victory of number of years she lived on for. The latter is the optimistic Kim in me. My eyeballs have been rather sore thinking about my grandmother with occasional tears trickling down my cheeks. I thought I was unfit to work but decided that it was better for me. I feel helpless. My earliest flight back would already make me miss my Amah’s funeral. I could only pray, give encouragement to my family members (my father) but otherwise, let tears roll down my cheeks. We did spend alot of time together in my earlier days in Ipoh.

Indeed I was very fond of her and to her, I was her “ink dot” of what she regarded as a black speck of hair on my small head as a baby, just like an ink dot. We used to share a lot, she insisted I memorised the Apostle’s Creed from the Bible and bought me my first ever Good News bible. She condoned my dance in ballet when I was little. We used to have long telephone conversations. The second last long one was about my hair for my wedding, how I intended to set my hair for the big day. Imagine, she was 93 at that point and still so clear.

Above: Last taken end of January 2010 when Amah was 94 years old.

She shared words of wisdom and always told me not to wear high heels way before my bunions were developed. She taught me how to take care of my health and beauty, how to always look gorgeous by feeling gorgeous from within. She taught me that vanity was about being confident and emitting positive energy.

If only I listen to Amah about wearing high heels much earlier. I can see where I got my toes from. Uh oh! :P

Dear Amah,

If you’re reading my blog now in heaven, I want you to know that I love you very much and I hope you’re now friends with Josiah’s grandfather Pastor Ng Swee Koon as he went to heaven just two days before you did (aged 85, based in America). If you have not, do look for him, he’s somewhere there! Thank you for all the kindness I received from you and I hope you’ll protect me from heaven. Be my little butterfly who would protect me along the way. May God protect your soul and don’t forget your little ink dot, your youngest Ong.

Love always,
Your Ink Dot.

Don’t you think my grandmother still looked pretty glam just a month ago? My sis served her tea during Chinese New Year.

I’m feeling really tired now. Such coincidence Josiah and I lost our grans. Makes me realise yet again how fragile life can be. Thank you for all the sweet condolence messages I received via FB and SMS.

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